Étoilent

We had no school friday because of a power outage and it was genuinely like the gods had answered my prayers I so badly did not want to go in and low and behold!!! Tears in my freaking eyes dude. Now i'm a bit behind, but we all are so it's alright. Just genuinely one of the best days ever, woke up and took a shower just for my mother to tell me that I can go back to sleep. I still can't even fathom that it happened. We shouldv'e had today off aswell, we got 12 inches (30cm) of snow and our roads were backed up, but since our district had taken friday off we went in regardless of all the snow. I'm still just absolutely. oh my god. I don't even care that my back hurts or that I have finals this week I WILL be riding that high.

this being the highlight of my year might say something about my life, but thats okay i think. i'm happy

I've been trying not 2 wallow in my own sadness for long.... I also can't afford to do something silly like that as it's finals week already, EEK!! My school has a quarterly based system so sometimes it feels like I have finals right after midterms. Which this time I do XD. I'm just waiting for this quarter to be over, it was so dreadful. I had all academic classes besides one class which was screen printing. Don't get me wrong I had fun making some prints of things I like, but the kids in that class were so stuck up!

Next week there's a break and then it's when we get new classes, I really really hope I get placed in painting seminar. During the break I probably won't do anything special, but my friend has gotten me into "Adopt Me" on roblox.. embarassing at my big age I know. Still, I like the current update because it's pink :'3

Today is my birthday, i'm not afraid to grow up but I am afraid of being alone. My boyfriend didn't come to my house because he was having a sleep over with his friend. I understand that the world doesn't revolve around me, but it hurt to know that he couldn't make an exception for me. My birthday wasn't until a monday, and he had his friend come over on friday. I know that people get tired from social interaction, I need to take time to myself to recharge too!! But it just sucked so much. I feel like i'm throwing myself a pity party. It's like he didn't even care, when I saw him again at school today the only thing he talked about was how well his sleepover went. I wanted to cry, a seventeenth birthday isn't the most momentous of occasions but he's someone who I thought should have been there.

I'm still very upset, I know it's childish. I had gone to the store to get a photo printed on a sheet cake to eat even if it would just be myself, and they said that it wasn't possible as the material I wanted was copyrighted :( it was a photo of IDV characters. That part I get, but just another thing that added to my mood. I was alone the entire weekend and I know that it's all just a coincidence, but I will still admit that I cried. The last time I had such an outburst was when I was in the hospital, and I'm ashamed. Happy Birthday to me

Sorry for such the long dump today!!

I've been struggling a lot , but the real final straw though was when at a recent art gallery I attended for my (new) school, I saw the most beautiful oil painting from a student. When I found out she was a freshmen I can't deny that I was envious. Painting isn't even my main medium, but at this point I'm not sure what is. I'm not a photography student, i'm not a media arts or studio arts major either. I want to have just one thing that I'm good at, something to be proud of. I want a skill I can hone in on and perfect, and I've only got one year left to do so. So yes, seeing a freshmen who has seemingly mastered sfumato on her third oil peice made me jealous. There's tons of things that I can do, but not a single thing that you would associate me with. I know comparison kills passion but I can't help it sometimes, but I hate being mediocre at everything

I have nothing against this freshmen, and I know that it took time and practice to get to where she is now.. but part of me does believe that there is such a thing as natural talent, and some people are born more inclined to certain tasks. Currently sitting in bed wishing that my cutiemark was an easle

I love it so much here, though i'm almost out of money already LOLOL my pockets are bleeding. It's worth it though to be able to see my friend. I don't want to go back to america icl.. Mostly because i'll be going to a new school this year.

There's nothing "wrong" with my current district, but the students are just so aburdly nasty.

I know i'll probably meet new people and i'll be able to focus on my studies more but i'd rather not think about all of that right now. I'm going to try and ignore my worries and focus on how much fun i'm having right now with Neela. I love you auuuuhggg

Aix-en-provence

date: 2/014/2025

mood: EXCITED

music: Adrianne Lenker

Day one

date: 7/07/24

mood: So tired

music: The Maybellines